Hours after my son was born I laid in my bed and starred at him – asleep in his plastic hospital crib beside his father. Drugged out of my mind after surgery I couldn’t recall if I was seeing baby M for the first time or if I had the chance to give him skin to skin. I couldn’t remember holding him in the recovery room and letting him latched on his own. I couldn’t remember anything before I fell asleep during surgery. It made me feel less of myself and miserable that my birth plan didn’t go as planned, that I was not able to prolong labour cause my child was in distress and I had caught a fever and infection. Judged cause I went in too early, judged cause I took a ‘shortcut’, judged cause I birthed my son through surgery and not ‘naturally’.
I starred at my son who laid in his crib – sound asleep, so peaceful, alive and healthy. Blessed is He and all praises belong to Him!
I was and still am humbly grateful that things went the way they did, that we made it through, safely. Having an emergency caesarean really put me through an emotional breakdown and I was hard on myself on something that was not in my control. Bloated and feeling like an exploding balloon filled with water. My body was so swollen! I laid there just thinking anxiously.
I starred at my son as he smiled in his sleep wondering what life will now be like? Wondering how will I manage, wondering if I will be alright – cause of experiences I had to undergo as a child will he possibly live similar circumstances? Will I be there to shadow him through this twisted up world of vengeances.
Tears filled my eyes as my heart ate its fill of love, sincere bliss and happiness. Can nobody replace this love of mine, can nobody tell me I didn’t do right.
I starred at my son and reached for him as his cry called out for me. As the nurse injected us with antibodies so our bodies could fight this bacterial bugs. For three days it was just him and I – teaching each other about ourselves and sharing each others lives. Snuggled on my chest he laid there as I starred.