So here I am, after 372 days sharing with you all my experiences as a first time mom. My struggles, my sorrows, my laughter, my joy and most importantly my lessons.
Man oh man, how the days flied by ya’ll. I kid you not, I feel like I literally came home from the hospital a couple months ago and now my son is a year old. I remember asking other moms what their first year was like and they all would tell me how fast they grow – no kidding!!! I tried my best to embrace and cherish each and every single day realizing as baby M got closer to the one year mark that I would not get these days back, what’s gone can’t be returned. I mean we all know that time is the essence and there’s no way to turn back the hands of time and I am extremely grateful but also sad to say goodbye to those sweet cooeing days.
Looking back at how I did things I will say I am content and happy about it but I would change a few things. I would definitely seek more help especially when offered so that I wouldn’t have felt so strained out of my mind at times. I would definitely bring a birth plan next time around that had EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I planned or wished for myself, my child and my family. I would most definitely stick with exclusive breastfeeding – it’s rewards are priceless. I would accept hand me downs with open arms to last me till baby is six months to a year old. I would try bottle feeding more – with pumped milk to allow me some me time.
My struggles weren’t with sleep, nor was I concerned much about my weight or how painful breastfeeding was for the first couple of weeks. My concerns were mentally – I would run worst case scenarios in my head every minute of the day and it was awful. I began exhausting not just my mind but my eternal soul, scaring myself to death about things that were some what out of my control. Postpartum depression was real and it came when I least expected it to. I would spend hours praying and holding close to memories baby M & I were sharing – afraid that my last day on earth was near, almost seconds away. The anxiety of my heart and mind gave me chills when I would cross the street thinking the inevitable is just about to happen and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Then I started sharing, I started sharing my thoughts with other moms and poured out my every fear and worry that ate me up inside. I would be told, “what you are feeling is completely understandable after what you been through growing up as a child.” Then I remembered!
I remembered how much my parents would spend their time with me after knowing the outcome may not be so good. I remembered how much my father would call and teach and play with me cause he knew that time was running out. I remembered how near my mother wanted me to be to her just in case it was her last breath and I would just seek refuge from my thoughts and began living each day like it was my last. I began loving the present as much as I was in love with the future. I began reminiscing but reliving my life without them – and showing gratitude for being able to be here with him.
I’ve loved every moment of it thus far – yes it gets complicated sometimes and YOU WILL get frustrated no doubt but its that smile you see greeting you at your worst that reminds you that you can only do your best.
Here’s to a year of motherhood – & here’s to many more to come God willing!